Bitter Cards: The Tragedy of a Nation
by OofOwieMyBones
Summary: It would've been hard to believe that Seto Kaiba would have been able to buy the UK, except it wasn't that hard to believe considering our GDP has quartered in the last twenty years and KaibaCorp is worth 1.2 trillion dollars now. It was hard to believe that the man is making everyone capable of picking up a duel disk fight for the nation's freedom. I think I miss being unemployed.


August 29th, 2018. A strange day for the country, to say the least. I mean, for a civilised, first world nation with a democratically elected parliament, it really was quite odd that a man who invested quite a lot into ridiculously high-tech holographic battle simulations and a school for a trading card game would be able to literally buy the government.

Oh, I remember the broadcast like it was yesterday. I woke up at the ridiculously early hour of ten o'clock in the morning, brushed my teeth, poured myself a bowl of sugary cereals, then switched on the telly and flicked to the BBC. The news was the same every day unfortunately; always Duel Monsters this or Duel Monsters that. I mean, sure it's a fun game, but there was honestly too much Duel Monsters on the news for a country where the game isn't even that popular. Mainly because no one can afford any cards after the last three or so market crashes over the last month, but I digress. The news on that day was a little different, anyways. Mainly because it was interrupted by a Mr Seto Kaiba.

His face suddenly and sharply took up the entire space of the screen that was previously occupied by a news reporter in America talking about some major duel, giving me a bit of a jumpscare. I even spilt a little bit of my breakfast, which was annoying considering I was appreciating the small burst of energy the sugar was giving me. I mentally decided to get Kaiba back for this later. His face was cold, devoid of emotion and more than a little unnerving. The brown locks of hair that covered his eyes somehow didn't make him look like a total idiot like it should have, but somehow acted more like a veil that obscured his eyes under a dark, haunting shadow. And when he opened his mouth, his voice sounded more frigid than ice.

"This is Seto Kaiba, the CEO of KaibaCorp speaking. I've interrupted the country's regular programming on all television channels and radio stations. This is a nationwide announcement, and it's to say..." He smiled. A smile, with only the darkest of humour behind it. "I'm buying out this country. The UK is no longer under the control of parliament or the crown, but my company alone."

When I first heard it, I sniggered. Clearly this young, bored trillionaire just had nothing better to do and decided to hack into the country's communications to play some wide-scale prank. It's physically impossible to buy an entire country, let alone a country like ours with a massive, modern economy.

"You may find it hard to believe, but it's true. In fact, I have the Prime Minister to attest to this. Go ahead, Stuart." The camera swung away from Kaiba to our current PM, a bald, fat Tory named Stuart that no-one really liked, not even the Tories. That's why, as a nation, we have somehow decided to call our leader by his first name, because fuck Stuart.

Stuart nodded solemnly, as he wiped his brow with a handkerchief nervously. I hated it whenever I heard him open his stupid mouth, he sounded like a bloody dying walrus. "I can confirm that Mr Kaiba has indeed, so to speak, bought out the country. More specifically, he has managed to... er... _attract_ the cooperation of the entire and military, House of Commons, by using a useful sum total of money that we are certain will benefit the British people."

"Shut up, Stuart," Kaiba said behind the camera, clearly annoyed. "I bribed you and the rest of your stupid government. No-one's falling for your nonsense."

I groaned in annoyance, and I'm pretty sure I heard everyone else in my flat groan with me too. This damn fool of a seal accepted a bribe from Kaiba to be his puppet, along with the rest of the bloody government as well as the military, and now this card game enthusiast has control over everyone. Stuart wasn't going to be able to hide behind utter bullshit about the money going to the people.

The camera swung back to Kaiba, who was still smiling. "As you can see, my claim to owning this country is completely legitimate. It was also pretty easy to pull off, considering the mass economic ruin and instability that's come to this island over the last twenty years. But, thankfully for you, I have a solution." Kaiba raised to the camera... a duel monsters card, the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, which was even more underwhelming for a trading card than I thought it would be. "The UK is the only country in the world that hasn't accepted duelling as a proper worldwide industry at this point. It doesn't even have a professional circuit. I intend on completely changing that.

"Firstly, all boroughs are now legally required to host a local tournament monthly, as well as having a local amateur league. To qualify for your local tournament, you're going to need to get ranked high enough in the local league to participate. Only the top one hundred can do so. If you succeed in getting to the top ten of your local tournament, you get ranked up to the regional league. The top hundred of the regional league go on to the regional tournament, which occurs once every six months, with the top ten in the tournament representing your region in the national tournament, an annual event with only fifty participants, and only one victor. And whoever wins?" Kaiba's grin widened. "They duel me. And if they win, not only will your nation be freed with a newly restored economy and as a duelling powerhouse, but they'll be able to ask of me anything. I don't care what it is. I'll provide it." Kaiba ominously turned away from the camera. "Your borough will inform you on where to sign up for your local league. Get to it."

Oh, well. I wasn't a man of many wishes, and I didn't think Kaiba would be that bad of a ruler. At least, he'd be better than that overgrown blobfish in a suit, Stuart. I enjoyed duelling, sure, but I wasn't going to enrol in some massive tournament for it that decides the fate of the nation. That was just too much effort.

The screen was covered in static for a moment as white noise hissed through my TV, cutting to a surprisingly calm BBC studio. The anchor didn't even seem to be dazed at all, as she addressed the country professionally.

"Breaking news, eccentric trillionaire Seto Kaiba has just bought out parliament and the military, with plans to turn the nation into 'a duelling powerhouse' in his own words. He has also privately informed us at the BBC that he will make duelling at least once a week in the amateur league a legal requirement for anyone over the age of sixteen, or face charges of treason, leading to punishments ranging from a twenty year jail sentence to death."

Huh. Well, I wasn't doing too well financially, so I doubted I could even afford the cards I needed to duel every -

"He is also giving away free Duel Monsters starter and booster packs to those who can't afford cards themselves, bought from Industrial Illusions in bulk. He claims that while none of the cards may be very rare, they're still effective in the hands of a capable duelist."

Fuck you, Kaiba. Fuck you.


End file.
